3 months
Back to work and getting into a summer routine...knowing that just when I get into my grove things are going to change again. Classes start back up in August and I have to rethink the routine once again. Hopefully I will have learned how to make and KEEP a budget. Whew! who knew that such a simple thing would be so very challenging. I have got to stop using my credit card as therapy for the ever growing dark hole in my being.
I think today may just be the first day that I have admitted that I am depressed. You see I hate that word....because I really don't like labels....but I must call it what it is! I am in a cycle of seclusion and unmotivated life. I get up everyday and drink my coffee, I read my Bible although I feel like they are all just tiny little actions that I do just to do, never really "getting anything from it" I read and it goes in, floats around, finds nothing to cling to, and vacates! I run/walk/bike each day just to clear my mind enough to make it through another day in this new life. Even that doesn't seem to be enough!
I will continue to put on foot in front of another, pour that next cup of coffee in the morning and read that next Bible verse...I know that God is here in all this, I know that He will pull me out and our me out...I just have to do the foot work and that can only be accomplished by my getting up each and everyday. My smile is fake, my heart is broken, thankfully my tears have dried up for now, anger is always lurking just around the bend.
Joy!
It's real!
It's there and it's palpable.
Sometimes I just have to dig a little deeper to bring it to the surface...but digging is something I can do in the dark!
I think today may just be the first day that I have admitted that I am depressed. You see I hate that word....because I really don't like labels....but I must call it what it is! I am in a cycle of seclusion and unmotivated life. I get up everyday and drink my coffee, I read my Bible although I feel like they are all just tiny little actions that I do just to do, never really "getting anything from it" I read and it goes in, floats around, finds nothing to cling to, and vacates! I run/walk/bike each day just to clear my mind enough to make it through another day in this new life. Even that doesn't seem to be enough!
I will continue to put on foot in front of another, pour that next cup of coffee in the morning and read that next Bible verse...I know that God is here in all this, I know that He will pull me out and our me out...I just have to do the foot work and that can only be accomplished by my getting up each and everyday. My smile is fake, my heart is broken, thankfully my tears have dried up for now, anger is always lurking just around the bend.
Joy!
It's real!
It's there and it's palpable.
Sometimes I just have to dig a little deeper to bring it to the surface...but digging is something I can do in the dark!
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